I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's always time for handjobs
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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