Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
