Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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