between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The struggles of a small town man whore
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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