I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
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