woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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