May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
