Old men and throwing up are my life now.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
