I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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