I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
