I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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