i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
