when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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