So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
