just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Panties = found
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
