I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
