matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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