i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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