she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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