I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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