if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
