i think my tv is drunk
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
