I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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