my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
