The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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