Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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