you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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