im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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