I think my fart just growled at me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
