i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
