WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
