i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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