I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
