I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
just found out that she named her cat after me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
