Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
