woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
