nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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