Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
