I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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