a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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