there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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