What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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