When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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