I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Randomize
