it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
