Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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