When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
