Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
