Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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