My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
