My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
