Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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